Hi Anna! I really liked your story. You have a really great knack for imagery; I felt as though I could clearly see the world that you created in the text. I took notes as I read your story, so I hope you don't mind if I touch on a few specifics. First of all, I really liked the chapter-style breakdown of the story. It helped with flow, and built suspense between ideas. Secondly, I loved your third-person recounting of each character's experiences. A few things I would take a look at: In one paragraph, you wrote "Stiles set on his couch," and I think you meant "sat." It just pulled me out of the action for a moment. Additionally, I would reconsider some punctuation placement. At one point, you used a question mark for a statement (bluffing?); you could either cut the question mark, or reformat the sentence as a rhetorical question if you feel that the upwards inflection adds to the story better. The use of exclamation points is also very tricky; I once had a professor tell me that when people read exclamation points, it affects how they will "say" the sentence in their head. Just make sure it adds to the sentence, rather than distracting, if you really feel that it is what you want. Additionally, I would go back in your story and take note of any repeated verbs, perhaps finding some synonyms to put in their place. It may add a little spice to the action. Just a few suggestions. Keep up the great work!
Hi Anna! I really liked your story. You have a really great knack for imagery; I felt as though I could clearly see the world that you created in the text. I took notes as I read your story, so I hope you don't mind if I touch on a few specifics. First of all, I really liked the chapter-style breakdown of the story. It helped with flow, and built suspense between ideas. Secondly, I loved your third-person recounting of each character's experiences. A few things I would take a look at: In one paragraph, you wrote "Stiles set on his couch," and I think you meant "sat." It just pulled me out of the action for a moment. Additionally, I would reconsider some punctuation placement. At one point, you used a question mark for a statement (bluffing?); you could either cut the question mark, or reformat the sentence as a rhetorical question if you feel that the upwards inflection adds to the story better. The use of exclamation points is also very tricky; I once had a professor tell me that when people read exclamation points, it affects how they will "say" the sentence in their head. Just make sure it adds to the sentence, rather than distracting, if you really feel that it is what you want. Additionally, I would go back in your story and take note of any repeated verbs, perhaps finding some synonyms to put in their place. It may add a little spice to the action. Just a few suggestions. Keep up the great work!
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